The Expat Son of the Expat Daughter

I have now, for the first time, had the privilege of visiting my grown-up son at his home, and needless to say, he’s not in the same country as me. I never imagined being on this side of the expat life, the mum whose child lives away, because I was always that child.

Like most expat mums, it wasn’t surprising when my first born wanted to go to University in a different country, I was fully expecting that and prepared for it – preparation being going in his room while he was at a 12th grader and crying. I got lucky though, he went to University and had to return home a few months later, another Covid lockdown. I don’t think he counted himself lucky having to study from home and basically missing out on his first year at Uni, but I felt like I had a bonus year. When he did eventually go, it was a soft blow and I got to visit him a good few times, he also got back home regularly, and we had long summers together, it was like having a part-time child, and when he was home, he was so grateful to have everything done for him and was so lovely, that it more than made up for the time we lost with him gone.

I’m leaving too

Fast forward to his amazing degree result and he announces he’s staying for a Masters, again, I kind of expected it and as he was staying on at the same Uni, same house, same friends, I felt good about that, I went to see him lots and again there were plenty of holidays, so my child was still my child. But then the Masters degree ended, and after a long summer at home with me, he upped and left, to his new job, in Amsterdam. So last weekend I went to visit him, see his new house and find out how life, as a real functioning adult is working out for him. Guess what? My expat, third culture, whatever label we’d like to give him, son, is doing just fine. His home is clean and tidy, he can navigate the trains and metros in Amsterdam expertly, and he cooked for me. He is very much a grown up and I couldn’t be prouder.

But being on this side of the expat equation kind of sucks. Being the one in a country where the family has some roots and seeing your offspring fly the nest feels kind of empty in a way. Almost like I regret making him an expat, I’d like him to be living next door, not miles away. I never considered how it felt on the other side, I knew I missed home, but I didn’t know home missed me. Our absence is palpable in everything those who stay behind do and see. They miss us. I understand now a lot of what my mum used to say, and still does, how she used to see grandparents picking their grandkids up from school and tear up, I thought she was exaggerating, she wasn’t. We miss out on so much, and it puts this lifestyle under the spotlight, like why am I doing this?

This is why we do it

The answer is kind of simple, we’re doing it because this is what we know. We’re doing it because it is in fact infinitely more fulfilling than living next door, and being in the same city or country forever. The flip side of missing and being missed is the deep appreciation for the family members who you never take for granted, the richness of the relationships I enjoy with members of my family is only possible because of the very real sense that we have relatively few meetings left in this lifetime and we need to enjoy them. I always get the best from my parents, my family and even my son who is now in a different country, family life is good, fun and light.

Not only! Family life comes with memories of different countries we all lived in, all the foods we enjoyed together, the different people we encountered and looking back, it is simply so abundant. There is a price to pay for the choices we make, and on balance, I feel that the expat price is low considering all that is gained. So, no I’m not moving to Amsterdam to be with my son just yet, or maybe ever, I’ll make sure I have the best nonna’s house right here in Florence for when my son (in about 10 years, I hope) decides to make his own babies and send them over to stay with me for the summer. They don’t even exist, but I miss them already.